The Marlos Report

New Job: Week 4

2010-06-03T00:10:00.003-04:00

This is week four on the new job. You will not see updates for weeks two and three. The new job is going well. I'm learning a lot, but I won't be fully trained and allowed to fly solo until July. Everyone in my department is very nice. It's mostly women, which is more than acceptable. Since I am one of the few men in the department, it seems as though the nice women are even nicer to me. A group of women who have lunch together everyday adopted me as part of their lunch group. The guys that work there are pretty good to talk to, too. My two immediate supervisors are both Michigan and Detroit Tigers fans, so I always have a topic to talk to them about. The only drawback is that Alex Yu works there. No, that is a lie. I just want to see if the blog will show up on a google search under his name. Alex is the friend that helped get me this job. The only drawback thus far is the fact that I have definitely been lazier outside of work since I began. My trips to the Y and the library are way down, while my caloric intake and lust for more music remain the same. Of course, this is my fault for being lazy, but I can still blame it on the new job. Overall, I would say that everything is going great. I even joined the company softball team and I haven't played a bat and ball game in years.

Days of the week: Spanish vs English, and the Saturday corollary

2010-05-19T17:36:00.000-04:00

While walking down the street the other day I had a random thought about the days of the week. In Spanish, days of the week are recited beginning with Monday and ends with Sunday, so it is as follows: lunes, martes, miércoles, jueves, viernes, sabado, y domingo. In English, when recited, the week starts with Sunday and ends with Saturday. I will not type all of the days out because you probably speak English. This led me to wonder why this was the case, but I have not been able to find anything regarding this discrepancy in order.

Although I found nothing concrete about my question, a few things are fairly obvious after a cursory glance, Saturday and Sunday are troublesome. In English, the week begins with Sunday and ends with Saturday, which is the Sabbath day in Judaism. Interestingly, Saturday is sabado in Spanish. Sabbath in Spanish is sabat or Sábado (capitalized and with the accent), which allows us to make the easy connection to the Hebrew Shabbat. Spanish celebrates God, while English honors Saturn, the Roman god. Then again, English also puts Saturday at the end of the week as the seventh day. In Spanish, the week ends on Sunday or domingo, whose Latin origins mean the "Day of God." Overall, I think these differences exist because English language and customs were more influenced by Scandinavian and Germanic societies than by their southern European based counterpart Romantic societies. The northern Europeans took longer to convert to Christianity thus leaving the subtle pagan influences more firmly entrenched.

Michigan Smoking Ban

2010-05-14T01:43:00.001-04:00

The smoke curtain lifted from bars and restaurants in Michigan earlier this month. This is cause for celebration. No longer will people avoid certain bars, even bars they like, to prevent their clothes from stinking of smoke. After all, clean and fresh smelling clothing is very important, more so even than clean lungs. In all earnestness, I do appreciate not coughing after a rude person has blown smoke in my face. So, we have non-smokers and hypocritical smokers rewarded for their years of patience and tolerance, but what about the smokers that want to keep smoking while being protected from the elements? They are literally left out in the cold and have to maintain a certain distance from entrances of bars and restaurants when they want to smoke. Smokers cannot even smoke on the patio at these establishments. I think that something should be done for these ostracized people.

Now, it sounds like I am sympathizing with smokers and disagree with the smoking ban, but in actuality, I could not be happier about the ban. I am a non-smoker that hates smelling like smoke, that hates kissing girls that taste of smoke, and hates breathing in smoke at the many poorly ventilated bars that exist in this proud state. No one truly likes having to sift through the heavy smoke-filled air at bars if they do not volunteer for that mission. My issue is not with concept of protecting people from second hand smoke at bars, but with the distortion of the fine line between regulation and personal choice. I think that the legislation that passed last year could have been more accommodating to the smoking population. My compromise will be presented later, but I want to first bring forth background information that will explain my thinking.

Under the previous arrangement, a bar or restaurant could choose to either allow smoking or ban smoking. Most bars were afraid of banning smoking due to the potential loss of customers, so they remained smoking bars. This was a ridiculous assertion by bar owners, especially since according to the CDC only about 20% of American adults smoke. If you are a bar owner, to which portion of the population would you rather cater? Hopefully, you decide on the much larger portion of the population. I will even admit that smokers are more likely to frequent bars. Let's make the ludicrous assumption that 90% of smokers go to bars versus only 25% of non-smokers. These very extreme assumptions lead to 20% (1/4 of 80%) of non-smoking, American adults frequenting bars compared to only 18% (9/10 of 20%) of smoking, American adults. The numbers have changed considerably, yet the non-smoking population still maintains a slight majority. This is significant for three reasons: first, majority still plainly favors non-smokers; second, the potential of capturing even a small segment of the non-smoking, non-bar going population is too lucrative to ignore; and third, under my assumed data, the percentage of smokers going to bars is not far off from non-smokers.

Although, it may be unhealthy for all and unappealing for most, allowing smoking has not ceased to be profitable. Additionally, the smoking sanctions demonize smoking. It seems a little unfair to automatically assume that one is a bad person for smoking. Heart disease, some cases of Type-II diabetes, and their ilk are terrible afflictions that affect millions of Americans; however, nobody is looking down his nose at a coworker for bringing a dozen doughnuts to work. Actually, the reactions are quite the opposite with the culprit receiving smiles and thanks rather than disapproving looks.

This has been somewhat long winded, but I have finally come to my proposed solution. I think most people are aware that bars require liquor licenses to serve liquor. The licenses are expensive and highly sought after because only a limited number (scarcity is dependent on local governing body) are available at any one time. My proposal is to borrow an idea from the other major vice in our society and institute smoking licenses. The cost for a smoking license definitely cannot be greater than that of a liquor license due to tangible revenue from liquor sales, but these new licenses will not be cheap. They can be limited based on population, say one license per 25,000 people. This means that Ann Arbor would have about five smoking licenses. To avoid certain establishments wanting a license from receiving preferential treatment, a lottery could be held for all of the interested bars/restaurants. This is more fair than an auction because the wealthier bar owners will not be able to simply outbid for the rights and the possibility of corruption becomes greatly diminished.

My proposal will not assuage the people that want to eradicate smoking, nor will it satisfy the people who want to smoke everywhere. What my proposal accomplishes is allowing smokers a little corner to call their own, while exponentially increasing the amount of clean, healthy air at bars and restaurants. The added indirect bonus is that local governments receive additional revenue which allows them to possibly maintain a few other people employed, such as teachers, police officers, and firefighters. According to Michael Scott and me, my scenario is a win-win-win situation.

New Job

2010-05-10T01:52:00.002-04:00

I begin my new job at ProQuest today. The excitement level is far greater than the nervous level. This is new territory for me, business casual and a cubicle, but oddly, I think I'll fit right in. I don't know what I'll be doing exactly, but I will be training for two weeks. I hope the people are nice and I hope for some girls around my age. Maybe I'll find my Pam Beesly (that's how IMDB spells it) and Dwight Schrute. Wish me luck.

Julie Bowen

2010-05-06T10:28:00.004-04:00

Exceedingly beautiful. I can't even explain. She is one of those women that keeps on getting better looking the older she gets, yet she was still amazing in the beginning. Modern Family pulled a coup by having Julie Bowen and Sofia Vergara on the same show. I will admit that I thought she was very attractive in Happy Gilmore and on Ed, but once I saw her again on Boston Legal, wow, was it over. Just wow. If she were your friend's mother, then you would go to their house for the sole purpose of talking to her instead of your friend. I wish I could have been Silas in Weeds. If it weren't creepy, I would walk around with her picture in my wallet. Kidding about that last part. I should stop before this spirals into uncomfortable and incriminating territory.

Terrible Thought

2010-04-19T23:57:00.000-04:00

I want to preface this post by saying I do not subscribe to the ideology of what I wrote below. It was just a fleeting thought that popped into my head that I have hashed out in the course of writing these paragraphs. Also, if it helps my cause any, I am pro-life, so do not take the following as a reflection of the inner workings of my mind.

The other day I watched an episode of "The Office", the act not being newsworthy. This occurred after reading some things about universal health care. The health care article talked about the possible subpar treatment of the elderly. The episode of "The Office" was "The Fire" from Season 2. It had Michael, with his man-crush on Ryan, asking Ryan to quiz him about business practices. After one of the questions that Michael answered incorrectly, Ryan informs Michael that getting a new client is 10x more costly than keeping an existing client. My mind was still on the health care issue when I heard this.

Thinking as an economist (i.e. no morals or ethics), I wondered what the optimal age was to preserve. By that I mean at what points do you decide that saving someone is more costly than letting them go. It is certainly not a baby because of all the subsequent costs to raise the child. This is not to say that all babies will be done away with because they are investments in the future. The question really lies in the decision of who you would save between two individuals in a cost versus output scenario: a baby or someone of a different age. I think the baby loses this battle, but the age still has to be young, but not too young. Maybe 18 or 24 or 30, I don't know. The 18-34 year old bracket is still young and strong, has already had a good deal of investment, while also having quite a few productive years remaining before the costs outweigh the benefits.

I wonder if there would be a difference in age for men and women due to the longer life span of the average woman and also to the limited reproductive time of a woman compared to a man. For men, The first factor would make the men's age lower just because of the shorter life span, but the second factor might increase it a little since men can produce offspring their whole lives. The first factor probably has greater weight than the second due to the fact that reproduction for men is not as important as output. As for women, I think the opposite is true. You would want to optimize the reproductive years because the menopausal years are only good for nurturing. Short term thinking cannot cloud judgment on long term view. If we went to have good years in the future, then we need the women reproducing. Of course, science and technology can potentially completely change these outlooks.

Things I Do Not Like at the YMCA

2010-04-13T23:38:00.004-04:00

People sitting at machines and not doing anything
Example: I like to use the Precor Bike on the mezzanine level where the indoor track is because nobody ever uses it and I don't have to sign up for it. Recently, I attempted to use it after lifting; however, this stupid, fat 12 year old kid was just sitting on the seat looking at the wall. He would pedal about one revolution every 30 seconds. His brothers were sitting on the other bike and the Nordic Track that are next to the Precor bike. They were also not doing anything. This should not have been a big deal, but I had a strained MCL and running would delay my recovery. I came to find out that their mom was running on the track and left the machines as babysitters. I was so frustrated with the situation that I left soon after.

The side buttons on the water fountains not working
I don't understand why the side buttons on the water fountains do not work, especially since there are spots to put working buttons on the water fountains. The worst part is that the buttons on the side are fake. Thank you YMCA for tricking me and making me look foolish. The only water fountain in the building with working side buttons is the short one by the chest press machine and hip abduction machine.

The actions of the naked
One of the worst mental images you can ever acquire in your life happens in the men's locker room at the YMCA. It is disturbing to see the old men wandering around naked in the locker room, then lifting up a leg and putting it on a bench in order to facilitate drying their private parts. My horror is increased when the towel is placed under the leg, held from each end, and finally slid back and forth repeatedly. These people then enjoy going to a locker next to you with the sole intent of bending over by you when they put on their underwear. The whole scene is quite a grotesque production. I am so incredibly ecstatic that I was not alive during the time of the public Roman bath houses.

People who sign up for cardio machines and never use them
This is pretty self explanatory. People sign up to use a cardio machine for 45 minutes and never arrive to fulfill the appointment. What is the proper etiquette in this situation? Can I swoop in after the first 15 minute block is over? Do I ask an employee if I can erase the person's name? Honestly, I just want to work out in the least amount of time possible, not figure out how to handle social situations.

People stealing your machine to do sets while you are in between sets
The other day the same person stole my machine three different times. I felt like I was warming up a slot machine at a casino for a lurker. I would move on to a new machine because my sets on the previous machine were interrupted while I was getting a drink at the water fountain. Upon returning to a machine, I would find that I had been evicted. It was a very nomadic experience.

I Lost My Mojo

2010-04-10T11:39:00.003-04:00

It finally happened. I died in a conversation. This has never happened to me before. I know that phrase is usually associated with men when they could not perform sexually, but in this case I could not perform conversationally.

It all started when a few friends and I went big on Friday, resulting in a nostalgic late night trip to Rick's reminiscent of days past. After all, Rick's is the logical choice after doing a lot of damage on South U, which we had done at The Brown Jug and Blue Leprechaun. I was doing great at Rick's. I met this cute girl, who is a friend of a friend, and she took an instant liking to me. I liked her a bit too, especially after she saw through my BS. Eventually, she took me to a quieter part of Rick's, so that she could talk to me. Interestingly, although drunk, she wanted to talk about serious things like health care and pro-life vs pro-choice. I won't get into specifics and there were much lighter parts to the conversation, so it was not a completely solemn and heavy talk.

About 20 minutes into the conversation, I could not think of anything to say and began using phrases such as "you know" and "I mean" without following them with a substantial sentence. I can manufacture a conversational topic at will. Small talk is my bag. Not on this day. I was racking my brain for any sort of topic, but all of my ideas did not seem good enough to use. Normally, when drunk, every idea sounds like a good idea, but my filter would not let a single thought exit my mouth. I started to panic because I did not know what to do. Here was this cute girl that was interested in me beginning to get bored by me (ME!). What do you do in this case? I know what to do in this situation because there are a lot of options: A) you can kiss her, B) ask her for her number, C) ask her to dance, or D) ask her if she wants to get another drink. All of these are wise options that are easy to execute; however, I chose none of the above and went with E) puss out and go to the bathroom. When I excused myself to use the bathroom, the girl gave me a "what the heck!?, where are you going?" look and she went to the women's bathroom.

Unfortunately, after my meltdown and bathroom trip, she did not want to talk to me any more. My friends proceeded to verbally abuse me for dropping the ball. Early on they had been amazed at my quick work with a quality girl, but that turned into mocking tones after my failure. I could not recover to talk to any other girls that night. I was completely deflated, not because of rejection, but because of my failure to perform in something that I take pride in and am known to do well. My night ended with BBQ Chicken pizza and my friend sleeping on my couch. Ouch.

Restaurant Review [Ashley's 3/29]

2010-04-01T10:45:00.003-04:00

I went to Ashley's on State Street on Monday with my friend, Will. Unfortunately for me, this was my third man-date in a week. I went to Sheesh for lunch with my Uncle last Thursday, Mahek for dinner with Brett on Saturday, and this one with Will. Anyway, I usually try not to go to Ashley's, but Will had a coupon for a free appetizer because he signed up for the Friends of the Owner club. I also wanted to play trivia, which Ashley's has every Monday. This does not even include the benefit and chance to try a new beer, something that Ashley's has in abundance.

Before getting into my dining experience, I have a few quick opinions on various trivia contests that I have attended at Ann Arbor bars. The trivia at Ashley's is significantly better than the disorganized and mindless one at Charley's. The trivia contest at Conor O'Neil's is tougher than the version at Ashley's, but sometimes it seems as though the questions at Conor's are catered toward the friends of the people who put on trivia there. Both Conor's and Ashley's have better trivia than Charley's, but Charley's gives more prizes than either of the former. At Conor's you do have to pay $5 per team, but after trivia is over they have individual trivia where you just shout out the answers and get prizes. By the way, Will and I finished 9th, out of nearly 20 teams, and still lost by over 20 points.

Now to the point of the post: food and drink. As I said earlier, Will had a coupon for a free appetizer if you bought an entré. I wanted to get the Sampler Platter, but it and the Coconut Shrimp were excluded from the coupon. After much deliberation, we decided to get the Chicken Strips (normally $7.99) as the appetizer and the Margherita Pizza ($9.99) as the entré. I was pleasantly surprised with the chicken strips, which were served with a rather mild jalapeño ranch. They were good sized strips, had great flavor, and were not dry at all even though they were fried. These chicken strips had the flavor of fresh white meat chicken that was breaded on site as opposed to the frozen variety found in most bars or restaurants. We each got three chicken strips (6 total), but I was so satisfied with those three as a light meal that I almost did not want to eat the pizza that was on the way.

As far as the Margherita Pizza is concerned, I think you are better off getting pizza next door at Diag Party Shoppe. The great chicken strips were not to be matched by the Margherita Pizza. The toppings on the Margherita though few in quantity are good (olive oil, Roma tomatoes, garlic, mozzarella, basil), yet the terrible crust, suspiciously similar to the low quality store bought variety, absolutely ruined the pizza for me. It really was like a thick, chewy, gummy cardboard. This pizza also had the unacceptable (for me anyway) quality of the crust and toppings appearing to be separate entities. My philosophy on pizza is that all of the ingredients go in the oven as somewhat edible individuals, but come out as a delicious team. I have purchased pre-cooked pizza crust from a supermarket and it is not nearly the team player that fresh pizza dough has demonstrated to be. The Margherita Pizza at Ashley's is a pizza of individuals and bad team chemistry. The only way this pizza could have been saved was with more toppings, but on a 12" pizza, Ashley's only provided 6 slices of Roma tomatoes and enough shredded basil to form one leaf. I even forgot that it had garlic until I looked at the menu again.

Normally, the best part of Ashley's is the beer. On this day with great chicken strips and mediocre pizza, the beer, sadly, went the way of the pizza. I noticed a wheat ale and its equivalent organic brother on the menu and decided to try the organic version because of the possibility of a better flavor. The Schneider Organic Weisen Edel-Weisse in a 16.9 oz bottle ($7.50) was a bad choice for me. This beer was decent, but on the bland side; however, it was not a bad beer. I kept waiting for the flavors to satisfy my taste buds, but they never enjoyed that satisfaction. The best way to describe the beer is like a roller coaster that is going up, then suddenly plateaus and leaves you wondering where the rest of the ride went. I guess I do not appreciate subtlety in beer as much as I thought I did. Apparently, other people enjoy this beer entry by Schneider's more than I. Maybe my expectations were too high; I really was happier with the water than the beer.

All of this culminates in the worst part of Ashley's and why I am oftentimes deterred from going there: the service. Usually, the beer and the food are great; after all, you can't hit a home run every time, which I understand. The service always seems slower than any place in Ann Arbor, but then again, I may just be a victim of Relativity.

Unfortunately, I would say that this was a below par trip to Ashley's. As I said earlier, the food and beer are usually great and are enough to counteract the service, but on this visit, Margherita Pizza and the beer misfired and collaborated with the poor service to overmatch the positive aspects. Thanks to the appetizer coupon, the total bill with tax and tip came out to just under $30. Without the coupon, our bill would have pushed $40 which seems a little expensive for what we had. The three best things were trivia, chicken strips, and hanging out with my friend on a man-date. Then again, maybe man-date should be deposited in the negative column.

Epilogue

My rant on my overall perception of the service based on experience is immediately forthcoming. Here goes nothing. It habitually takes 15-30 minutes for a drink order to be served on busy nights, with the food taking about the same. I think the servers forget about people. Another thing that really bothers me is that you cannot order a drink at the bar while standing. The bartender and doorman will threaten to kick you out if you stand for even a minute. You can forget about stopping to talk to a friend at the bar. If you look preppy, then your patron status is automatically downgraded. I know because I have worn both jeans and a t-shirt and khakis and a collared shirt with the same server and had completely different levels of service. Most requests for additional service, like asking for pepper or mustard, or for more time to look at their extensive beer menu receive a look of derision. Finally, you aren't even allowed to stand at someone's table to talk to them. I know the aisles are narrow, but this is a bar, not a fascist regime.

Of The Week {03.29.10}

2010-03-29T10:44:00.002-04:00

Random Wikipedia Article of the Week:
Xylotoles
Two sentences on a genus of beetles. Thank you, Wikipedia. At least randomly generate an article on scarabs, so I can talk about "The Mummy". Let's not forget about the obvious one, The Beatles. What a terrible article.

Random YouTube Video of the Week:
Dog Hump
I should be ashamed of posting this because it is a rather disturbing video, but it is so incredibly unbelievable that it is somewhat funny. The person filming these events is a disgusting human being for allowing the dog to do that to the girl. The whole thing is like a brief, 9 second carnival sideshow. You guys need to see it to believe it. I think the best part is the two lines of priceless dialogue at the end where the two speakers appear to be completely unaware of what is actually happening. I really hope this is a joke with the non sequitars being the punchline. Say cheese.

Song of the Week:
Paul Simon - St. Judy's Comet
I got the album Negotiations and Love Songs 1971-1986 by Paul Simon from the AADL. I've been listening to this album every day for the last two weeks. It is definitely in my current top 5. "St. Judy's Comet" is track 4. I had never heard this song before, but I like that it is light, breezy, and an easy, relaxing listen. It is not my favorite song on the album, but I have paid more attention to it simply because I had never heard it prior to borrowing this album. The song seems to be a sort of lullaby for Simon's child, which is awesome because 1) your dad is Paul Simon, and 2) you get a personalized song to help you go to sleep.

Article of the Week:
No Homo
Awful that a "church" is doing this, but hilarious that they have a sign that says "no homo". I dislike these fake churches that sprout up; however, it is hard to figure out who bothers me more, the church founder or the yahoos that sign up for the charade.

Of The Week {03.22.10}

2010-03-22T10:54:00.001-04:00

Random Wikipedia Article of the Week
Erotas
A song with video. I watched the video. The artist is an attractive Armenian woman and the song is a little catchy, although maybe I'm drawn to it just due to my Greek and Middle Eastern sensibilities. Incidentally, erotas is Modern Greek for romantic love. Now, look at the similarity between erotas and erotic. Part of the meaning was lost in translation because erotic is not the first thing you think of when it comes to romance.

Random YouTube Video of the Week:
How to Unlock a Hidden Minesweeper Mode
I tried to do this, but I could not beat the advanced level in minesweeper in my 3 attempts. I would just rather play spider solitaire or try to get really fast at the lower levels of minesweeper. Someone tell me if they are able to unlock and beat this hidden mode. Also, does it look like this guy is going to lose it at any moment like Jimmy Fallon in every single SNL skit. On the other hand, maybe the guy is really questioning the purpose of his life and that is why he is about to lose it. After all, he is filming a minesweeper video for YouTube.

Song of the Week:
Spoon - The Underdog
The brass instruments in this song really stand out to me. I will say that the overall sound is something that I immediately enjoyed. There is a lot of energy in this song and that is before you even get to the lyrics. The lyrics relate a cautionary tale about appreciating others and not taking things for granted because unforeseen things happen in life. To top it off, "The Underdog" has echoes of Billy Joel, one of my favorites. It definitely makes me want to listen to more music by Spoon.

Unfortunately, this song is also going to reveal my appreciation for the scene in the movie "17 Again" where Zac Efron reaches a turning point. It was a good pairing of audio and visual. I would also like to take the time to congratulate my friend Mark for being a slight doppelganger of Zac Efron. This will take you far in the world of middle school girls when you are teaching. I can't wait until you get to high school.

This is Mark (Sorry to those cropped out)

Article of the Week:
Autonomous naval bases to fight pirates.
The only thing cooler than swashbuckling is having a life sized Lego base from which to fight pirates. The base would apparently put itself together, maybe like a Transformer, but hopefully not Skynet from the Terminator series. Technology is great, yet killer technology is not for me.

Kicking the Bucket Around the World

2010-03-21T17:56:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I like to go on Wikipedia to read random articles. I know it sounds very dull and boring to do this, but to you I say that knowledge is power. It's also a great way to waste time. I will take Wikipedia over solitaire 3 out of 3 times (very arbitrary, right). Anyway, one of the random articles I looked at today was "idiom". There was nothing special about this except for the unintended humor in the literal translations of similar phrases in other languages. As a side note, idioma is the Spanish translation to the word language.

In the English expression to kick the bucket, a listener knowing only the meanings of kick and bucket would be unable to deduce the expression's true meaning: to die. Although this idiomatic phrase can, in fact, actually refer to kicking a bucket, native speakers of English rarely use it so. It cannot be directly translated to other languages – the same expression in Polish is kopnąć w kalendarz (“to kick the calendar”), with “calendar” detached from its usual meaning, just like “bucket” in the English phrase. In Dutch the phrase is het loodje leggen (“to lay the piece of lead”); in Finnish the phrase is heittää lusikka nurkkaan (“to throw the spoon to the corner”); in Latvian the phrase is nolikt karoti (“to put the spoon down”); in Portuguese it's bater as botas (“to beat the boots”); and in Brazil the expression “to kick the bucket” (chutar o balde) has a completely different meaning (to drink too much alcohol). The same expression in Greek is "to shake the shoes", that means "to die".

As you can see, there is comedy in these translations. I'm trying to decide if I like the Dutch phrase or the Latvian phrase better. They both have merit. To me, the phrase "To lay the piece of lead" evokes a completely different idea than dying, except for dying in the Shakespearean ideal. I think of the phrase "to lay pipe" i.e. to have sex, which is actually more in line with the old English euphemism that Shakespeare used. The Latvian phrase "to put the spoon down" brings to mind a nagging woman telling her husband to stop eating so much. I guess it could be connected to dying from gluttony, "Put the spoon down or you'll eat yourself to death." "Put the spoon down" also makes me think of cops asking someone to put a gun down.

Upon rereading this, I do not think that there is any comedy at all. Waste of a post.

A Creed Bratton Idea

2010-03-20T11:43:00.003-04:00

Creed Bratton should adopt a child. I'm talking about Creed Bratton the character, not the real person. If you did not know, Creed Bratton, the actor and musician, plays a fictionalized version of himself on "The Office".It is interesting, though, how "The Office" incorporated part of Creed's real biography into his character's biography. He was actually in a band called The Grass Roots that had bona fide hit songs, like "Let's Live for Today", which you probably have heard, but could not place the artist.

Anyway, back to my point about Creed Bratton, the character, adopting a child. In "The Office", Creed is in his 80's, but he does not seem to have any family, although, once he does mention a daughter. Forgetting that you have a daughter is very Creed Bratton. It would be funny, in an outlandish and bizarre Creed way, if Creed, realizing he was getting old and only having 40 or 50 years to live, came to the conclusion that he needed to leave behind a legacy. Creed could then "adopt" a child between the ages of 5 and 10 and attempt to impart his accumulated knowledge and modes of living on the unfortunate youth. It would not be a huge time consuming story arc, but you would randomly see the child in the office with Creed showing the kid how to steal, make fake ID's, or any other gag that would be appropriate for the character. Creed could explain his situation with one of the talking head pieces. Another bit could be for Creed to trade the child for another kid if he becomes disenchanted with the child's progress. Scranton could even experience the occasional Amber Alert, but in a humorous way, like they do with news of the Scranton Stranglers exploits. I think this idea has potential, but that's just me. I am not a comedy writer, so I am not going to hash out a full idea.

How I Met Your Mother Questions

2010-03-18T15:28:00.004-04:00

Question 1
Is Ted Mosby unlikeable? On St. Patrick's Day, two friends, who I trust and that also watch HIMYM, told me that Ted Mosby sucks. I tried to defend Ted, but my friends were firmly against him saying that he was the worst character on the show. I know he is neurotic and obsessed with finding his wife, but he does have his positive moments. His pursuit for love is heartwarming, primarily because that is his major focus in life. How many lead male characters on television are hopeless romantics? Also, at least he is funnier than Ross from Friends, which is not much of a defense for anyone, but still.

Question 2
Do Cobie Smulders and Christa Miller look really similar? I'm talking about Christa Miller in her 20's versus Cobie Smulders now, who is in her 20's. Not to take anything away from Miller, but I definitely prefer Smulders due to my affinity for the character she plays and because I find her more attractive.

Does Anyone Shop at Whole Foods with Coupons?

2010-03-12T18:34:00.003-05:00

A few months ago I cut coupons for the first time and used them at Meijer to buy general hygienic products (toothpaste, deodorant + antiperspirant, shampoo, etc). I figured that the $5 in savings by using coupons could buy me an extra pint at the bar. Going to Meijer is a little out of my way and requires a special trip due to my car situation. I go anyway because I do not want to buy everything at Whole Foods, which some people call Whole Paycheck. I work at REI, the immediate neighbor of Whole Foods, so the convenience of proximity and sample tours often gets me to go into Whole Foods. My first trip to Whole Foods after using the coupons at Meijer got me thinking that I had never seen anyone use manufacturer coupons at Whole Foods. Since that day, I watch for coupon usage like a hawk. I have even succumbed to creepily staking out the registers in hopes of spying someone use a coupon.

It has been roughly a month since I began the search for those magical money saving clippings to appear at Whole Foods and not one has turned up. Do people who shop at Whole Foods feel like they will seem poor if they use coupons? Maybe Whole Foods has coupon detectors, rather than metal detectors, secretly installed in the door frames of the outer doors. Coupon smugglers don't even have a chance to get past the second set of doors into the main store before the Whole Foods Poor Police chloroform them and drop them off at Meijer or Kroger. Certainly, this is just a fantastical musing in my head, but it surely seems as though it is a faux pas to use coupons at Whole Foods. At the very least, people are afraid to have them out in the open for fear of being judged by their fellow social climbers.

Great Looking Famous Women

2010-03-04T13:33:00.009-05:00

This is a simple post. Like most men, I am attracted to women. Here are some that I like a lot. Some of my choices will not be popular with my readership, but you people have no right to discredit my opinion. I have not put these women in any particular order because it is unfair to them and it is unfair to me. Yes, I am a hypocrite.

My Top 10 Blondes
Julie Bowen
Ali Larter
Charlize Theron
Kirsten Dunst
Kate Hudson
Natasha Henstridge
Reese Witherspoon
Anna Kournikova
Yvonne Strahovski
Elizabeth Shue

Honorable Mention: Scarlett Johansson, Maria Sharapova, Michelle Pfieffer, Doris Day, Courtney Thorne-Smith, Kelly Preston

My Top Brunettes (I cannot keep the brunettes to just 10 because of black and brown hair)
Cobie Smulders
Laetitia Casta
Emmanuelle Chriqui
Jessica Alba
Lucy Liu
Kate Beckinsale
Maria Menounos
Courteney Cox
Teri Hatcher
Barbara Mori
Elizabeth Hurley
Famke Janssen
Rachel Specter
Tiffany Amber-Thiessen
Catherine Zeta-Jones
Winona Ryder
Penelope Cruz
Marisa Tomei
Katie Holmes
Amanda Peet
Halle Berry
Donna Reed

Honorable Mention: Catherine Bell (in until I found out she is a scientologist), Zooey Deschanel, Sophie Marceau, Alessandra Ambrosio, Jordana Brewster, Kimberly Williams-Paisley

My Top 10 Redheads
Alyson Hannigan
Isla Fisher
Amy Adams
Diane Lane
Nicole Kidman
Lindsay Lohan (from 5 years ago)
Marcia Cross
Dina Meyer
Melinda Clarke
Julia Roberts

Honorable Mention: Julianne Moore, Gillian Anderson, Christina Hendricks, Kate Walsh, Alicia Witt, Lauren Holly

My Top 10 "I Don't Know Their Hair Color"
Olivia Wilde
Arielle Kebbel
Jennifer Morrison
Heidi Klum
Jennifer Aniston
Leighton Meester

Too Soon

2010-03-01T14:01:00.006-05:00

Well that sure was a false start. I should not have proclaimed victory for Team USA so early. Canada won the gold medal in hockey yesterday over the U.S. Truthfully, it is tough to beat the favorite twice in a row, especially on their home ice. The Canadian team was under a lot of pressure and scrutiny, which they overcame, to win a tremendous hockey game in overtime. Canada should be proud of its team, but I also think that Americans should be proud of Team USA's performance during the Olympics. Nobody likes it when their team loses; however, a loss is much easier to accept when the team fights hard and competes with the best.

Wearing Suits to the Bar

2010-02-26T13:20:00.001-05:00

I highly recommend wearing a suit to the bar on occasion. You look good and girls take notice of you. Here is a good description about the efficacy of suits at the bar. I have worn suits to the bar prior to my addiction to "How I Met Your Mother", so please remove the thought of me copying Neil Patrick Harris from your brain. I have made a convert of Brett, who has had results. He now likes wearing a suit to the bar on occasion and is even going to buy more suits.

Looking good and girls noticing you are the benefits when you take a cursory look at the situation. On a deeper level of circumspection, you are much more likely to profit from the increased personal confidence of looking good and the addition of an instant conversation starter to your repertoire. Of course, these benefits do not operate individually, they certainly all work together. The story works like this:

You put on a suit
You realize you look good, which gives you more confidence
You walk in some place and everybody [read: women] notices a good looking and confident young man in a suit
You are near a young lady who asks you why you are wearing a suit (conversation starter)
You are funny and charming because you have more confidence due to looking good in your suit and having a girl that actually wants to talk to you
Because the girl wants to talk to you, the strapping you man in a suit, she is more willing to laugh at your observational humor and witticism, thus boosting your confidence to unheard of heights
The rest is up to you

The "icing on the cake" (idiom, cliché, or both?) is simply the opportunity to wear a suit. It is a privilege to rise above the mediocrity of the masses. Would you rather look like this and this or that and that. Clearly, you would take this over that even when trying to be ironic. It's the difference between getting your own stamp (good) and having an attractive girl laugh at you during a football game (in the South no less)(bad, by the way). My intention is not to get everyone wearing a suit. Hopefully, I have not persuaded too many people to wear a suit. Not because they will take attention away from me, but because they are likely to defile the art of suit wearing, a travesty to discuss on another day.

U-S-A, U-S-A

2010-02-23T11:32:00.006-05:00

Canada surrenders! I am not an American by birth, but I support my adopted country. Canada does not like playing second fiddle to the U.S. They accept it, but they never explicitly concede anything to the U.S. until today, the Olympic medal race. The following comment has nothing to do with anything and is probably wrong. Canadian (Canadien? Canadienne?) universal health care makes their athletes worse, especially the hockey players. They play better in the U.S. where they have to pay for care.

Number Four: Sorry Kevin or U-M Basketball Hurts

2010-02-23T10:51:00.005-05:00

I told my good friend Kevin* that the post on Michigan Basketball would be the first, but I completely forgot that the blog needed an introduction. Anyway, Michigan Basketball is suffering a Jekyll and Hyde season. It is not even a game to game transformation as much as it is half to half. They can only play one good half of basketball at a time. Heaven forbid they put together a complete game. They need to hit more 3's. U-M is shooting under 30% from 3pt territory, making it one of the worst 3pt shooting teams in the country and the worst in the Big Ten. Right now teams are packing the paint and allowing U-M to shoot 3's, which is a great strategy against a team with horrendous outside shooting, whose two best players are a slasher and a low post threat.

I hate playing the "what-if" game, but one more made 3 pt shot a game automatically gives Michigan wins over Alabama and MSU (15-11 overall, 7-7 Big 10). One more made 3pt shot a game changes the complexion of numerous other games based just on the different game situations the team would have faced. Look at the schedule. I count five games that would have been changed to one possession deficits. This would eliminate the ritual fouling and free throw fest that happens at the end of close games, thus making for even slimmer scoring margins. I realize that this cursory glance at the effects of one shot a game on Michigan's basketball season is a waste of time, but it has been a painful season. Michigan Basketball has been more disappointing and painful to watch this season than the football team's second half collapse. This game of what-if is not cathartic, but we all like to make ourselves miserable in that sadistically comforting way. It's like telling yourself you would have succeeded had you tried harder.

*It's his actual name. We do not protect anyone on this blog.

Late Night

2010-01-24T03:33:00.001-05:00

Living in Ann Arbor, I randomly see a lot of people I knew in undergrad that are back for the weekend. Unfortunately or fortunately, I see girls for which my little heart pumped extra hard. It's especially bothersome to encounter them if they had thoughts of me, too; more so, if we both knew we had liked each other or if we had gone out at all. There aren't many of these girls, only 3 or 4, but I'm still sentimental about it. I am reminded of what might have been. This situation is somewhat paralyzing because I am not one to easily or quickly like a girl, but I fight through my thoughts anyway. You can't have fun if you don't let yourself enjoy the evening. Tonight I saw one of these girls, who definitely was with another guy that I knew to be more than just her friend. I handled it well. I mingled, I joked, and I even bought drinks for the both of them, but I did not linger. Thankfully, I did not and have not seen my ultimate kryptonite in about two years. She makes my house of cards crash hard. This is irrational, but there was a point where thought of her or even a dream of her was enough to bring my mood down to unpleasant levels. It does not matter any longer, but I guess I am still just a sentimental fool. This does not get written unless I have been drinking.

One last note...Suiting up makes girls love you, even when you don't want them to.

Spelling

2010-01-21T01:10:00.011-05:00

Just a quick rant. I am a stickler for spelling. I have a problem suffering through a person's poorly spelled piece of writing(where is the editing??). I do not care if it is a personal note or an email, it is bothersome; however, I will say that the worst offense is if the spelling transgression occurs in a major publication, like a newspaper or magazine, but that is not my focus. Here is a message to all of you misspelling emailers out there: you have spell check and red underlines under those words alert you to a spelling error. I do not care if it is an informal email, please have more respect for me and take the extra minute to fix the error(s).

I am not an asshole or trying to be an asshole about this. I do not call out individuals or throw them under the proverbial bus in these situations because that would just be classless of me. I do not want to call attention to myself or the other person for this minutiae, which is a hallmark of Reality TV (another rant for another day). It would put me in a bad light and make it appear as though correct spelling is snobby, when it really is just rising above mediocrity.

Here are a couple other quick things about spelling. I prefer spelling the past tense of cancel as cancelled instead canceled. Why? Well, in theory, the extra "L" would prevent the "e" in -ed from turning the "e" in the root word into a long vowel. Canceled should sound like kanseeld. The word trek does not become "treked" in the past tense, it becomes trekked. I say keep the consistency and add the extra "L" to cancelled and cancelling. For more, I found this blog that also talks about this issue.

My last thing about spelling is actually an anecdote (not antidote). In 6th grade, we had reading quizzes on books we read for class. Misspelling a word took 1 point off (-1) your total score. During one of these quizzes, instead of my name (Carlos), I accidentally wrote 'Country'. The girl who was grading my paper, Rachel Danko, was uptight and a stickler for everything. She asked the teacher if she should take a point off of my score and Mr. Koval approved the deduction. I argued that I had spelled 'Country' correctly, but was countered with that not being my name. Retrospectively, I should have said that I was trying out a new nickname after Bryant "Big Country" Reeves , but middle school was just beginning and a quick wit had not descended upon me from heaven at that point.

Why the Need for a Blog

2010-01-21T00:32:00.005-05:00

Today I was running on the track at the YMCA when I decided to start a blog. You're asking, "Carlos, what prompted this ridiculous idea?" Well, when you are running in circles and there are no attractive women to look at, all you can do is think. Oh boy, do I think. I think about a certain topic for 30 seconds and then my mind drifts to the next topic and then to the next after that. Meow*, I am not a blog person, but I need an outlet for these random musings and idiotic rants.

As we traverse the rocky terrain of this slightly insane mind, please, please remember that you can always stop me by starting another topic. This will probably end up being an utter failure due to my lack of drive when writing anything, but if this Hail Mary pass lasts any significant amount of time, I will be pleasantly surprised. Here are a few important things for you to be aware of that will probably affect my point of view on many topics:
- I am in my mid-20's
- I am Hispanic and I speak Spanish, so I have that multicultural thing going for me
- In college, I was in a fraternity
- I am moderate, slightly right (I think, but definitely not left)
- I am Roman Catholic. I practice, but I have trouble going to mass.
- I get obsessed with things
- I am an enabler. Usually, my answer is yes, except for when it is no
- My teams are the University of Michigan Wolverines, Detroit Tigers, Detroit Pistons, Detroit Lions, Detroit Red Wings, and the Honduran National soccer team
- I like to talk
- I hate political correctness. Things are oftentimes funnier if they are too soon. (edit: THIS is too soon. Sorry Kevin.)

*(Supertroopers has forever ruined me. Every time I start a sentence or hear a sentence started with now, I instantly think meow, which is followed by that whole seen in that wonderful movie)